May 2010
100 posts
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Play time
Now that I’ve written one hundred posts I probably deserve to be given these lovely Mad Men dolls for my efforts. Isn’t this like Club Z points? Fuck. Maybe I only have enough for a food dehydrator or a subscription to Wine Cork Fancy Magazine.
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More fashionable or offensive than SATC2? →
It’s your choice. And why not make it two weeks of t-shirts?
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Urgent reminder!!
Things can be like this and not stupid.
The beach is that way. That way being sometime in the future.
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Yellow as the sun
The rain and cold have turned spring in my city into a shitty. I don’t know what that means. All I do know is that this weather makes me want to eat a stick of butter wrapepd around a batch of brownies wrapped around a stick of butter.
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Only in my dreams
Last night was full of dreams of me disappointing other people. My parents asked me to send them items I had already sent and they denied it - to my face. I was the bad child and they were as pissed at me as if I’d stayed out until 5 am with bad teens. Then I was working at some job that I don’t know what is is, but many people from my past and present also worked there and they were...
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Goodbye
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eRead my fist
Could this piece of shit Kobo eReader look any stupider? This is the cheesiest looking piece of garbage I’ve seen come around in a long time and I have happily watched Days of Our Lives for many, many years. I imagine it will break after a few mildly happy hours of use, much like a cheap plastic toy on Christmas morning. Unless that tacky blue button sends a mild electric shock to the...
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Smell me
Pair me with some fresh fruit, buttery toast and sweet jam and you’ve got yourself a breakfast you’ll never forget. Mostly because of all bare-knuckle squirrel boxing I get up to in the morning, but also because of the intense philosophical conversation. Derrida says, what?
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Gift of the Magi(c Johnson - even though he has...
This pretty much sums things up.
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Valley girl →
This could provide a lot of insight into what the fuck is wrong with me and also, into the rumbles fought by the north side vs. the south side over garbage collection. That shit gets heated.
I can’t believe I’m missing out on Beaver Valley May Days. It’s not as vaginal as you think. It’s a small town booze festival with a parade or something and maybe face painting and...
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Hello, heartbreak (for contrast)
Even though Bud married a hot Italian woman who birthed his babies and even though he still looks very appealing, he has to work the land and shit and Deanie gets that entire white ensemble, so it seems like a wash. I would not have sex with someone for that dress alone, let alone the gloves, hat and pearls.
And voice over Wordsworth is not too bad either: Though nothing can bring back the hour...
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Ginny Stamper is too low for the dogs to bite
While I more strongly identified with Natalie Wood as Wilma Dean (Deanie) Loomis’ struggle to squelch her sexual urges in small-town 1920’s Kansas, I was fascinated by Barbara Loden as Ginny Stamper. Fuck you, prohibition, I’m having gin for breakfast. What’s that, abortion? No thanks, I’ve already had one. I’m just going to light up a cigarette, wear this...
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“Garrison Keillor wrote in a Times op-ed yesterday that the publishing industry...”
– Jon Stewart - Book Expo America, May 27th, 2010
It’s always good to make fun of someone who claims that ______is dead, especially at a breakfast panel. Snark and pancakes are delicious together.
And don’t even think about stealing the name of my new breakfast joint!
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Hard to believe
It amazes me that my boy Harvey here has made it to his eighth year with Jordan as his mother. He wants to tell her how offended he is by that leather ball cap and her plastic, open-toed walking slippers, but knows that if he makes a scene in front of the paparazzi the rest of her embarrassing clothes will drop off of her body and he’ll be (further) blinded by her burnt sienna skin.
Happy...
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Someone in a beat up truck come pick me up and...
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Brief and wondrous
A certain sleepy person did a very nice thing for me this morning even though this person does not like mornings.
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Overheard on the Skytrain
Female Skytrainer 1: People in Ireland are always calling things dear.
Female Skytrainer 2: That’s so cute.
Female Skytrainer 1: And people. Like, when I was there, it was all, “you’re such a dear, he’s such a dear, isn’t that dear.”
Female Skytrainer 2: Oh my God, so cute.
Female Skytrainer 1: Yeah, even, like at the pub. Everything is dear.
Female...
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Sisters are doin' it for themselves →
Unfortunately, they are doing a really shitty job of doing it.
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You know, for kids
I really hope other people watched this crazy children’s program that made the seven year-old me think it was appropriate to prance up and down the stairs on all fours because I honestly believed I was a cat. Way to be a super convincing leopard mayor of Zoobilee Zoo, Ben Vereen. I acted like a moron for the last part of the 80’s because of your charming purr-voice. It growled...
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Why didn't someone tell me about this? The answer... →
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The pain of it all
I usually medicate with good, old-fashioned alcohol and self-deprecating humor, but today required a little extra assistance. I’m sure my current body pain is a result of my vivid dream life, wherein I either got involved in some serious mixed-martial arts gang wars or was the victim of a John Mayer-Gerard Butler sex dream. I almost always remember my dreams and torture people with them as...
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I will break someone's bells if I don't get to... →
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WatchA dreamy way to greet the gray.
Shall we go down to Big Sur?
Time of the Assassins - Charlotte Gainsbourg
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Have you seen the size of my eyeballs?
I’ll let this guy distract you from my attitude problem.
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Most likely to
So, I’ve been reading my last few posts and it looks like I’m turning into a real asshole.
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Lies
If you’re into self-help shit like this, please don’t call me and for the love of deep-fried candy-bars try to dream your moronic dreams a little more quietly.
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“knows there can be a moment in which your heart says forever but your mind...”
– Someone on Facebook who knows everything about the human experience, except that sharing this “knowledge” is unwelcome unless it comes with a small, porcelain collectible.
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Goal oriented
I’ve heard it spoken that it’s important to have goals in order to motivate oneself to achieve greater achievements and achieve greatness in those achievements. Goal-oriented people are just better.
Goal for summer 2010: Eat a deep-fried Mars bar.
There, I said it. Now, let me achieve greatness.
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Now we're talkin'
Okay, this is making shit happen. I’d like to get real close to this thing so the message is scalded onto my eyeballs. That way, I won’t forget.
Untitled Kent Rogowski, 2005
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But when?
I keep waiting for something unpleasant to end, but I don’t even know what that unpleasant thing is. I spend a lot of time thinking about what that something could potentially be. The end of a crappy burrito? The end of rainy season? The end of my bank account? The end of boredom at work? The end of struggling to put together stylish outfits in springtime, even though it feels like winter...
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Just a thing
I made this. Therefore, I am proud and embarrassed. I guess life is like the “Lost” finale.
NB: I have never watched that show.
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I can't even look at my own post
If there’s one thing I hate more than emoticons and otter-meat sandwiches, it’s this “fantasy” vom-inducing “children’s” movie called, The Dark Crystal. I had nightmares about this shit for years. This is not a fantasy. Is Leonard Cohen presenting me with a lifetime supply of sundresses and a baby otter (and a kitten) in an Hermes bag and a million...
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He ain't afraid of no ghost
I am older than Pac-Man. And you think you know a guy.
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“Gorgeous….as always my friend! Too bad the analysis wasnt...”
– -Some girl I am friends with on Facebook.
I’m not really sure what happened in that other part of the internet, but I do know that this is a thing that is stupid.
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“I’m not writing this book to share wisdom or inspire people. I’m...”
– Sarah Silverman - The Bedwetter
I am already working on one of those things. Good advice.
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“So take me back to, like, like, the lowest or when you felt…not good.”
– Tyra “The Smarterly Oprah” Banks
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Meow > woof
I search high and low for this book, a childhood favourite that somehow escaped a life in a box under my parent’s stairs like the rest of my old storybooks. There was a full series of adventures written about Orlando and his stylishly-attired wife and precocious kittens, but this one is the most entertaining. A cat wants a pet for his bratty kittens and a standard poodle applies and gets...
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That's better
Vomit and bile receding. Eyes regaining focus. Stomach settling. Sigh.
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Achy breaky shut the hells up
Just don’t.
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Good to great
Do you want your business to succeed? Have you made all the right moves to keep your employees efficient? Can you say with certainty that the spindly legs of corporate industry are working their hardest? Are your salesmen keeping their antlers clean? The simple tips in this book will set you and your employees up for greatness.
And if it doesn’t work out, there’s always the option...
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HST and you
So, there are two kinds of HST. One kind is the hella stupid tax that makes everyone who is already poor feel even more poor, but that’s okay because poor people should not even be buying shit because they are useless, grotesque citizens. The other kind is this, sadly, dead and gone bad ass who I’m considering re-animating using a combination of of electricity generated from my shed...
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Noir
Payment for services rendered.
I love her careful, determined eye contact. Serious and heart-breaking and just a little funny.
“Emily Says Hello” from Low Moon - Jason, Fantagraphics 2009
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Put it in my mouth
I am going to purchase myself some fine PB cups and then I am going to eat them right up. Note the mid-century advertising logic: “They are made in Chocolate Town. So they must be good.” As true today as any time ever in the history of time and space and high-fructose corn syrup and delicious treats and lying creative directors who cheat on their wives with super hot beatniks and...
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Today in ugly book covers
I had to look at these with my eyes. My eyes.
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Bad ass mutha
Look at this mofo. Snapping jaws through bamboo like it ain’t no thing. Hard to believe that this delicious licorice is made out of the rectum of such a bold and majestic animal. Hard truth.
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Breakfast disappointment
I’ve been there little buddy, I’ve been there so many times. The lesson here, is that you should never serve Mickey Mouse pancakes to an overexcited otter pup. Those little guys are sensitive.
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Caption this
1996 was a year. And I was alive during that year. The caption from the Trail Daily Times seems inaccurate, as none of us, especially me, are hamming anything up and anyone who thinks otherwise should probably sit down in a tub full wine coolers and think about what they’ve done.
