August 2010
53 posts
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Dry me
There is nothing in the pantheon of grooming practices that irritates me more than drying my hair. It takes forever and it’s boring. I try to find some way of entertaining myself at all times, but there is very little one can do with no hands and a blaring hot device that sounds like something a car does to tell you it needs repairs waving around your head. I hate it. And, to top it off,...
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The only time Hamm looks appealing
Jon Hamm. I want to hang out with this guy. He seems cool, and he’s relaxed in interviews and on the red carpet and he’s on the greatest show ever in Everland. I think I could be around him and not be fancy and he would still like me and also our banter would be witty and sometimes one of us would say dumb things and that would be okay, because we’re both cool about it. Even...
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“I tend almost never to throw other films under the bus, but [Piranha 3D] is...”
– James Cameron, Vanity Fair
This man may be the most hilarious human being on the planet. His take on 3-D is a direct commentary on his own failure to produce any useful content for a film that is not merely technology. He is so self-referential, like with, “bottom of the barrel of their...
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And the shiny statue goes to someone for doing...
Summer might be ending (horrible news), but tonight signals the beginning of a a very important season: awards season. In less than two hours the Emmys will air on television to honour television for the greater good of my television enjoyment. In half an hour one of the most important elements of the greatness will begin: red carpet arrivals. As anyone worth their sense of fun knows, the red...
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Suck my Gore-tex
The only thing that can possibly be worse than backpacking and/or sleeping in a tent is winter backpacking and tent-sleeping. I had to put on a cardigan after a brief glance at this book which claims to detail “safe and warm winter camping and day trips.” So, these trips include hot toddies, muchos blankets and hotels with beds and cable. This cover is just a clever joke?
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Better with Beyonce
I don’t have strong feelings about this Lady Gaga person(a) and I try not to talk about it too much because everyone and their seeing-eye animals seem to want to roll her in saffron and silk. I find her aesthetically awesome, but if forced to listen to her music, hear her speak or read her interviews I shudder and develop throbbing skin nodules. That shit is boring. She interests me only...
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Ridin' dirty
I have a friend who rides a motorcycle (motocyclette to anyone with a sense of flair). This morning there was a report that a motorcyclist (motocyclettist) had died in an crash on the Granville St. Bridge. Whenever I read or hear about a moto death, I think of my friend. I hope he’s not smeared on the road, but is chatting up a woman in a fringed vest while leaning over his bike,...
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Which came first?
Most eggs come from the most horrible places. Creatures that are an approximation of what we associate in appearance and scent, etc. as chickens are kept alive in disgusting conditions. They are fed hormones and other garbage to create larger and more eggs. Fun right?
Despite this, I still eat them. However, almost as offensive as the poor treatment of animals bred to “nourish” us...
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Bigger than you
Little people are all the rage right now, but what about the bigguns of the world? Where are the reality shows about the world’s biggest chinchilla farmer or super-tall music snobs with ironic tattoos? Why are they ignored? No damn good reason I’m sure.
It would be so simple to sell this:
Super tall people, they’re just like us, but super tall, but also they suffer...
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FantasyAdventureTomorrowNightmareLand
Woah. My dream last night. Let’s talk about it.
I was at Disneyland with a friend, we were doing a lot of hemming and hawing about rides and couldn’t decide what to do first. Let me start by saying that this Disneyland was not the real one, but a dream fiction created by my insane brain. It started out sunny and bright, lots of primary colours and pinks and princess tones (you know...
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Writers that wrote some books
Rain fell this morning and it spattered my legs and I was forced to think about what I’ll do when I can’t spend all my time in the beautiful sun, outside. I will have to be inside, covered in blankets and stuff, or if I go out I will have to put on clothes that provide coverage. The worst kind.
To cheer me up, the Vancouver Writers & Readers Festival has released their line-up...
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Not a shock
If two electricians named Tom and Jerry think they can just come into my life and move wires around and install other wires and in general try to control electricity in my work environment and think that I’m not going to draw comparisons to a quite unfunny cat and mouse duo, then they are sorely mistaken.
And if they think that they can both come in here with unironic moustaches and try...
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Cold tongue, warm armpits
Along with the endless hours of pure, sunny bliss, breezy sundresses and a sense of freedom, summer also brings with it conundrums. One such is this: after tasting both, should I be more in love with sangria sorbet, because it’s made with real wine (which you can taste in every bite) or mojito gelato which has a tangy, gorgeous flavour and that combines the best of lime and mint?
...
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A bad-ah ee-talian accent-ah for-ah you-ah
Tonight, for reasons even I can not explain, I will go to The Olive Garden for dinner. I will travel several suburbs over (I do not like to leave the city proper, but what sane person does?) and yet, I will do this. And I will eat breadsticks and salad with ice berg lettuce (barfies) until I’m full and then try to cram in some kind of pasta and probably enjoy the denoument of fake tiramisu...
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“Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people....”
– Charles Bukowski was born today, but a long time ago and he’s been dead for a while. Too bad. We could use more quotes like this in the world.
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Aloha
This bejazzled dynamo would have been 75 this past January, but instead he died on this day in 1977 at 42 years old. While he was on the toilet. Reading Tom Robbins’ “Another Roadside Attraction”.
Recently, Elvis’ personal physician, “Dr. Nick”, revealed that Elvis suffered from chronic constipation, which was a factor in his death. He suffered heart failure...
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Forest for the beach
On the right hand side of this aerial image is pure beach and ocean times. There isn’t much better than swimming in the ocean while the forest cradles you. It’s like a wet, scratchy, branch hug that should feel uncomfortable, but doesn’t because it feels like awesome.
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Nature
Much like Will Ferrell Goulet here, I enjoy nature. In fact, I think I might love it. The problem that arises is that I’m not sure how to express my love or even how to access the object of this love. A few times a year I escape the city, poisoning the air in a car, bus or plane to get there, but it’s probably a small price to pay. And I live near a very large urban park, one that...
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Verb, Verb, a Third Verb
I have not read the book this movie is based on, nor is it likely I will see it. Well, maybe once it airs on the W Network in two years. Therefore, I can’t judge either incarnation. However, I can judge this poster and let me tell you, it looks like a satire of the actual movie, with the nun and the ice cream (sexual metaphors everywhere) and purse that for no reason covers her abdomen...
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The most wonderful time of the year
It’s not really the most wonderful. Summer’s end brings great sadness to my heart and to my sundresses. When people get excited about sweaters and warm clothes I want to slap them with seaweed. I get it not everyone likes the gorgeous awesomeness of the perfect season (summer), but don’t rub it in that I’ll be a cranky jerk for eight months.
There are a few high points...
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“Dressed like a slutty 1970s babysitter who sunbathes on the driveway while the...”
– -Michael K, Dlisted, Thursday August 12
So, I pretty much give up on writing because, as usual, this fucker has it all sewn up.
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Annoying theme song and fountain
Recent reasons I love my friends:
*beach picnic
*heated debates (topics: television, movies, cheeses, assholes)
*judgemental text messages (topics: otters, forest fires, me, M. Night Shyamalan)
*low expectations
*liberal swearing
*they are not the cast of “Friends”
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How very
While “Heathers” remains my favourite Winona Ryder film, (and why shouldn’t it, with the quotable lines, costumes that inspired ”Gossip Girl” and Nicholson-Slater as his finest?) my desire for the Winona look of the late 90’s trumps the Veronica Sawyer, school girl chic. I’ve already done the side-part, the shoulder-grazing dark extendo-bob thing. That...
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I would go to the suburbs for you
These talented and adorable dirtbags known as Arcade Fire are stringing me along right now. They release their new album, which sweeps through my brain and heart like a emotionally painful yet satisfying twister and then they leave an empty block of time on their tour schedule, which does not include my city as of yet.
My hope is that somewhere, sometime between Bologna on September 2 and...
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Watch Q: Is it wrong that I love Joan so more after all of this abortion talk?
A: Fuck no.
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The Invisible Bond Between Women
Thierry Mugler has a new perfume and new website. This is a description from that site:
What if women spoke out about the pleasures of femininity – of being women, together, in the world today?
And what if women built for themselves the community that unites them?
Me: WOMANITY? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
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Interspecies love
Next month Amy’s brother will release a book of animal stories. Not, like real animal stories. Like ones about a bear that goes into someone’s house and eats their snacks and baby. No monkeys rescuing puppies in China. Nothing ripped from the headlines. Just some pretty awesome stories about animals interacting, living their lives and feeling their feelings. And hopefully, there will...
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Home Lieware
I try not to watch commercials on television. The increased volume that jars a viewer from the pleasant enjoyment of actual programming is startling. Sometimes it makes me want to smash my beloved television with one of my beloved books. Advertising is not dreamy and full or rich storytelling and cleverness, like on Mad Men. Mostly it’s full of lies.
One of my least favourite commercials...
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A quitter
It’s important to realize that I am not good at everything. Last week’s brow challenge really proved that an expert will produce a much better result than an amateur. As someone who has had difficulty saying, ‘no’, learning to use that little word and realizing it can be useful to myself and others is a revelation. And that being a quitter can also be useful.
My mom...
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Light me up
I suppose there are more than two types of attractive men, but I have a hard time believing that there are two types in a scene from a film that are more attractive than these two here. The hustler and the intellectual sharing a handheld flame. The rebel and the professor. Jeans and suit. It’s a study in extremes and I love them both. Why do we need anything in between when we have this?
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Famous people born today and what I think of them
Super awesome:
Andy Warhol - The Man
Lucille Ball - The Woman (avec balls)
The rest:
Adrianne Curry - Crazy ass from ANTM- she made me fall in love with the show Romola Garai - Who? Travis McCoy - And again? Marisa Miller - I think she gets naked for money so 2 points only Melissa George - Was on “In Treatment”, so awesome Soleil Moon Frye - Punky Brewster = Yes, please Ever...
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Stop, drop and roll (inappropriate)
There are currently around 400 fires burning in the province. The really awesome part of me, the giving, empathetic part wants the weather forecast (rain, rain, rain) to be more than just an estimation. The super selfish part of me, the part that loves birthdays and beaches and sun, sun, sun, wants the rain to go fuck itself. And, I suppose, in turn for all those people with flames licking at...
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Thanks (for once), Photoshop
Some people hate their birthday. It rolls around and they roll around whinging about how they’re getting old, or they don’t like the attention or that it’s always a disappointment. I am not one of those people. I love it. We all have to age, or die, I love attention and, to paraphrase Betty Draper, “Only disappointing people are disappointed.” Here are some other...
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Rosemary > Lemon Juice & Cayenne Pepper
I struggle with those pesky pounds in my middle section. The flab. You know what I’m talking about. The doughy area that doctors warn you about. The kind of mush that even if you’re skinny-fat, even if you’re not flabby anywhere else. If your belly protrudes, if there’s a roll over top of your jeans you’re probably going to drop dead in ten years because that is how...
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“I get gifts given to me all the time, at all hours of the night. Sometimes...”
– Ms. Campbell is revealing a truth that applies not just to insane supermodels, but to all women, the world (first and third) over. It’s not just a service to justice she’s performing, but for women around the world who would like free shit from people who want to sleep with them....
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So You Think You're Talented and Interesting?...
Last night on “So You Think You Can Dance” this grasping at fame-straws, piece of garbage Tyce Diorio was a guest judge instead of a choreographer. I decide this will be great because I won’t have to put up with his boring, obvious Broadway routines or his emotionless, obvious contemporary routines. Then the first dance is a group number choreographed by him. After I woke up...
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I'm going to see a person about a man who may or...
There might be some debate about my horse related rage. One thing is certain: I will not change my opinion. How about you?
Three questions:
1.) Is this man attractive?
2.) Does he look like a horse?
3.) Are there other horse-faced individuals who are considered attractive?
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It's a fact
The phrase, “sweating like a pig” is grossly inaccurate as pigs do not have functional sweat glands and therefore do not glisten with the dewy outpouring of their own bodies. This is why they roll in cool mud or water. These poor creatures are trapped in their own heat, their bodies like the rings of Hades, with no respite. Their cute, button noses, velvety ears and soft bellies...
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Suck it, Winfrey
In a few brief hours a copy of this upcoming title will be in my hot little hands. It’s not mine to keep, and I have to finish it by next Friday, but I’m so thrilled to be ahead of the curve on this one that I’d stay up all night and finish it in a day. Whether I like it or love it, doesn’t matter. I get to judge it before other people and that’s how I win.
An evil...
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The stuff TV dreams are made of
Just when I start to complain about there not being enough exciting new shows to satisfy my insatiable television appetite, this comes along. Dustin Hoffman, David Milch, Michael Mann, a bunch of other people. It has all the potential to steal my heart.
Downside? There are going to be so many ugly, terrifying horses in this show. It might be a struggle for me. I hate that horse sound, that one...
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DD is shelved after D
Five years ago a glorious television sitcom aired for a few brief months. This program combined three of my undying passions: books, humor and camp. It was “Stacked” and was a vehicle for Pamela Anderson (who I unabashedly love, so just deal with it) and featured Christopher Lloyd as a retired, rocket scientist. He was, of course, spectacular.
After wandering into a bookstore the...
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Don't be such a bag
I’m in the market for a grown-up purse. A black, all purpose, carrier that fits all the important shit I need (moneys, phone, old crumpled receipts, hairbrush, candy, salt & pepper, book, candy) but isn’t so large that it requires a trip to the ER.
I’m not sure if any of these Matt & Nat bags are doing it for me. However, I’m a fan of their stuff and those...
