May 2011
13 posts
4 tags
Don't look at me with your dead, plastic eyes
So, this is the man who created these horrifying monsters known as Cabbage Patch Kids. This is the man whose brain came up with the idea that really ugly baby dolls grew out of a cabbage field. This is the man who had his name stitched on the ass of every single doll churned out and sold to millions of parents and given to children who then (I assume) learned how to love the wrong way and this...
7 tags
Ha! Huh?
Yeah, I saw Bridesmaids. Of course I did. It’s a comedy. That makes fun of people and weddings and feelings. We all like to make fun of that stuff. And yeah. I identified with certain elements of the protagonist in a way that some might find disturbing, but so what? Also, and this is really important, this movie was a test. It is supposed to prove that women are funny, which is funny,...
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Summer in the city will be even more awesome if I...
Sometimes a girl just dreams of sandals, as in that is all she does in preparation for the arrival of the only season that matters. Of course, we are talking summer here, folks. Now shove those ski poles up your nose and someone for the love of freshly pedicured feet* please purchase these for me. They’re, like, not even expensive, dudes.
*The author of this post does not have freshly...
4 tags
Eat It (weird zombie & otter food edition)
I had a dream that I was the proud owner of an asian small-clawed otter and it was free range styles, and he roamed my home and was totes uber cute, (obviously, he is a freaking otter) but everyone kept calling it a ferret, which was like, totally annoying. People, get your species sorted out, a’ight? Then I went out to get some special otter food, which in my dream world (both sleep and...
5 tags
It's gonna be a modern, stone-age crapfest
Seth McFarlane is going to remake that old chestnut, the first prime time cartoon, The Flintstones. This angers me. A lot. I want to burn my television in advance of this to ensure it doesn’t suffer.
My anger is not a result of nostalgia, or the ruination of my childhood memories of television (that’s sick) or a fear that the remake will not honour the source material (a ridiculous...
5 tags
Waiting is stupid and stuff
I almost want the glory of summer and all the heat and carefree action that goes along with it to go by quickly just so November 1st will arrive and I can read Joan Didion’s “slim, somber classic” (Kirkus Review, April 15, 2011), Blue Nights. And it’s about mortality. And the death of her daughter. And her own eventual death. Doesn’t that sound peachy, keen, ice...
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Ms. Didion, you make it look so easy
Oh Joan. Not only do you write the words that make me want to worship at your tiny (and I’m sure also talented) feet, but you wear the uniform of complication and ease. Structured skirt (waist emphasis, check), just enough billow in the blouse and casual sandals, that you’ve earned baby, you’ve earned the comfort.The sheen of your hair and soft sunny glow of skin. I’m...
5 tags
I've seen the future, brother (but really I...
The day after I was laid off I woke up unsure of what to do with myself. I had cried all my tears, though, I knew that much to be true. The shock was awful, but the rest of my insecurities, usually so vital to me, so brittle and tender and dangling from my sleeve, weren’t present. After I had showered and dressed I went for a walk, up the street near my home, the major shopping street in...
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3 tags
The most tender place in my heart is for...
2 tags
A new day?
I did not sleep last night. Well, I passed out for a while. Good thing I started drinking early and also often. Just like a good voting citizen. But I awoke at 4am, sad, crying, unsure how to cheer myself up in the face of a majority Conservative government. Majority. It sounds so important. Because it is. It makes a big difference. And it’s hard to realize that my values are not shared by...
