Logical Reasons for Chest Pains:

• Heartburn
• Acid reflux
• Being punched in the chest
• Being kicked in the chest
• Being head-butted in the chest
• Chest is on fire (not in the medical way, but a real fire started with a blowtorch, barbecue lighter, one of those long matches you don’t see around much these days)
• Holding a really fat baby while lying down
• Being clawed at by rabid crow
• Self-mutilation
• Heartbreak
• Watching really bad stand-up
• Looking at this picture for too long
• Hypochondria

Illogical Reasons for Chest Pains:

• Talking to attractive people
• Eating something delicious that you then feel guilty about
• Alien living in chest (they are in fact painless)
• Vick’s Vapo-Rub (that’s the stuff)
• Sporting events
• Arts & culture events
• Dog shows
• Nickleback (I know, I know. Science is still working on this one)
• Placebos
• Kindergarten Cop
• Hypochondria