On the weekend I got in to a discussion about sending cards. The paper kind. Where you have to have an address with a postal code on it. You know the ones. They arrive in this thing called the mail box that you open with a key and not a password. Yeah. Not email. Not inbox. Don’t get me wrong. If you want to send an e-card, get your hot bitch self to the e-card emporium. We were talking about those congratulations you birthed a human baby cards. Do you send paper or e? Maybe it’s up in the air. Sure, someone with a baby might be cool with an email and not paper, something that doesn’t involve more shit they have to throw away along with diapers and sanity. Fine.

And that transformed into a discussion on sympathy cards. For people who have lost a person. Yeah, I know. That seems weird to clarify, but I’m doing it. Because then someone texted to say their dog had died. Sadness. So, just to be clearer, here are the different sympathy scenarios and whether or not it’s okay to send a traditional card, or fire off ye old e-card.

A Person Has Died

No question. This is a straight up paper, old school, written in your own hand with feeling kind of scenario. Just don’t. I don’t even want to hear it. Shut. It.  Same with flowers. No one wants freaking e-flowers. Are you a heartless Bigfoot? Then don’t bring these ideas to me. Just accept this etiquette and think for one damn second. Okay?

A Pet Has Died

There’s room here. Was this is a beloved pet? Did this person consider the pet to be a devoted friend, member of the family? Did the pet wear a ‘BFF’ necklace instead of a collar? Then this person gets a for real, heartfelt, I got off my ass and went to the damn store and picked out something with sentiment specific to you and your departed pet. If it’s any other scenario, an e-card is fine. But not if the person shot the pet, Old Yeller-style. Then you never speak of it again.

An Animal at an Aquarium or Zoo Has Died, Like Say for Example A Really Adorable and Charismatic Otter 

This is not card territory. This is not even e-card territory. Don’t worry, people. You do not have to send a card in this situation. Yup. That is not an obligation. I mean, it would be nice to maybe check in on the person who loved the animal in question, and bring her, maybe some brownies and a nice bottle of malbec. And nachos. And also take her out to a movie. Or a really fancy dinner. And take a fun-loving road trip to Seattle because the aquarium there is in prep mode for their female otter to give birth to the most adorable creature in existence any day now. Or whatever. Just stay home and smoke weed, or clean your vents, or quickly pleasure yourself and cry. It’s your choice. There are no hard and fast social rules. Just your conscience.