So, this is the man who created these horrifying monsters known as Cabbage Patch Kids. This is the man whose brain came up with the idea that really ugly baby dolls grew out of a cabbage field. This is the man who had his name stitched on the ass of every single doll churned out and sold to millions of parents and given to children who then (I assume) learned how to love the wrong way and this is why famewhore is a career now. Or something. I’m just riffin’.

As a child, these dolls did not meet my aesthetic standard. Even now, I feel confident that if one was presented to me I would throttle and burn it as though it had committed the most offensive acts on my family, like mafia-style. Why would I have wanted to pretend to take care of an ugly baby when I could have been dressing and undressing my Barbie and learning about how inferior my physical appearance is to other people’s? That’s a useful life lesson. Fake-parenting is not. Or something. The main point is that these dolls are ugly and creepy, end of story.

And cabbage? Has this hillbilly ever even smelled boiled cabbage? By the look on his face in that photo I’d say he also pitched an Xavier Roberts signature perfume in that very scent. Sigh.