All the women in the world who have beautiful, long nails (not claw-like, porn-star nails, but a decent length, you know what I mean) are fake right? Because my personal experience leads me to believe that it’s impossible to grow lovely, strong nails that don’t peel in layers like flakes of onion skin, or smash on impact with medium to hard surfaces, like my thigh or the keys on my keyboard.

Is this calcium related? Then I’ll just double my cheese intake and hope that problem’s solved. And if everyone else has real, nice, healthy nails I will spend the rest of my day gnawing my hands off, because I give up.